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I did not become a Christian in a meaningful way until college. Although my parents raised me with strong moral values and semi-regular church attendance, I was only a Christian via association rather than a commitment to following Jesus. In 1988, I went to Italy to visit my best friend from high school. She had abandoned training for the Olympics to join a missionary camp. I felt furious and betrayed. I took off to save her but ended up getting “saved” myself instead. Toward the end of my stay, I went up for the altar call. I simply asked God, if He was listening, to come into my life. I can only describe what happened as a supernatural experience. The world seemed new again, and I felt the presence of God. I returned home filled with the passion of the newly converted. Unfortunately, I was like the seed without fertile soil to grow. My faith started strong but faded over time. I attended church and occasionally prayed, but mostly I thought being a good person was a sufficient substitute for a relationship with God. Everything changed a few years ago when I began having what can only be described as a mid-life crisis. I watched my contemporaries pursue successful careers while I was stuck at home with two small children working on a doctoral degree that seemed to be going nowhere. To make matters worse, my cousin who was younger than me died of a rare lung disease and my son had symptoms of a genetic disorder that still might manifest itself later in life. Life seemed not only meaningless but short and horrible. I turned away from God because it felt hypocritical to believe. I could not reconcile a loving Creator with how I felt. Thankfully, I had not stopped going to church. While I became more and more depressed James seemed more and more joyful. One day after service I told him I wanted whatever he had. Of course, it was a relationship with God. He recommended I try to develop one myself. I started the next morning by saying good morning to God. I read the Bible. I went to small group at Starbucks. Most importantly, I prayed. I prayed for faith and transformation. Slowly, my prayers were answered. Twice I was ready to give up, and twice God intervened to keep me on the journey. I started to feel happy again. I rediscovered things I had loved as a child like soccer and fantasy novels. I started to volunteer at a battered women’s shelter. Most importantly, I started to really believe in God and His love for me. As I talked to James, he discussed the importance of finding meaning in life by understanding one’s self as a person created by God with a purpose. I prayed for God to help me to understand myself and His mission for me. Slowly, my mission became clear. It is to help improve the status of women. This is something I had been working on all along. I was writing my dissertation on how the status of women is a crucial variable impacting the likelihood of democratic success. However, once I trusted God I realized that I needed to be working to improve the status of women in a more direct way. I dropped out of my Ph.D. program, with only a year left, and started to volunteer full time at the women’s shelter. It was both the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done. It was the final leap of faith I needed to transform my life and cement my relationship with God. Now, I feel like I did when I was nine. Life is full of meaning and I can accomplish anything. The difference is that the meaning now comes from a relationship with God and I will accomplish what He calls me to. I still don’t feel the presence of God in a tangible way, and I struggle every day with my faith. But I hang on based on the changes I’ve experienced and the new joy I’ve found. I’ve made God the center of my life and He has transformed it. Praise God. |
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Saint James United Methodist Church
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